If Only You Knew Read online

  He had to get himself under control, he thought. As much as he wanted Anna May physically, he wanted ... no, he needed her friendship more. He knew from experience that the emotion called love between a man and a woman didn't last. His brief engagement to Lena had shown him that.

  Anna May had been his friend for almost twenty years. He hoped that this wouldn't destroy their relationship. He tried to imagine what his life would be like without her off beat sense of humor and her damn-the-torpedoes, full-steam-ahead view of the world. No, he thought his jaw tightened with determination, he wouldn't let last night change their friendship. He'd do whatever it took to keep Anna May in his life as his friend.

  Ric dressed slowly despite the frigid temperature of the room. Running his multimillion-dollar company required planning. Facing Anna May after last night also required a plan. He just had to think of one.

  Anna May straightened the sheets and folded the sofa bed into place. Within minutes all traces of last night's activities were gone, but not forgotten. She doubted that she would ever forget the feel of his body curled around hers or the soft stroke of his fingers gliding beneath her sweatshirt, cupping her breasts. She shivered as she remembered the husky sound of his voice as he whispered "Anna." Ric Justice had wanted her!

  She was happy. She was terrified. For once in her life, she wished that she had more experience with men. Her friends thought she should have been born a century ago because she was still a virgin at the age of thirty-three. Being the only daughter of a minister, she'd made up her mind years ago to wait until she was married before becoming intimate with anyone. She'd never regretted her decision.

  Her thoughts were interrupted by the sudden absence of sound. She realized that Ric had finished his shower. Soon he would come downstairs.

  How would he treat her? How would she respond? Would she have the courage to put their friendship on the line and ask him to marry her and more importantly give her a child?

  If her friends or family knew what she was planning, they would be shocked.

  Her dream of marrying and having children all but died when her doctor informed her of her test results. She had to choose between never having a child of her own or having a child now while she still could. She'd thought long and hard about having a child after that visit to the doctor. It was now time for her to make a choice. Her choice was to have a child. Ric's child.

  She hadn't planned to ask him so soon. When she'd made up her mind to ask Ric to marry her and father her child, she'd envisioned having him over for dinner and talking it over with him. Like she'd discussed her decision to stay in Atlanta when the rest of her family moved to California ten years ago or when she thought of buying a house a few years back. Most of the major decisions she'd made in her life, she had asked his opinion on the subject first. She hadn't always agreed with his opinion. In the end she'd made her own decision, but it was nice to have him to talk to as a friend.

  The risk she was about to take was high. She knew how Ric felt about family. She knew it and didn't understand it. Her greatest fear was that Ric would turn her down and end their friendship. She hoped and prayed that it would never happen, but she couldn't go through life knowing she hadn't tried to have a child.

  Her stomach growled, reminding her that it was time to eat breakfast. Anna May left the den and entered the kitchen. The view from the large window was daunting. The sun was hidden behind gray clouds heavy with sleet and frozen rain. During the night the weather conditions had worsened. Every surface was covered with a thick layer of ice, and icicles hung from the eaves of the roof. I won't be going home today, she thought to herself. She was stuck in the house with Ric for at least another day.

  "It looks like it's going to snow again."

  She jumped at the sound of his voice, pausing briefly to compose herself, then turned to him. He'd changed into black baggy pants, a black cotton sweater with a black turtleneck, and black hiking boots. Any other man would have looked casual and relaxed. Ric looked in command, in control.

  "Yes, it does." She looked at his face, searching for any sign of what he might be feeling, but he kept his emotions hidden behind what she called his stone face—an expression that he used when he was nervous. Ignoring her own nervousness, she removed a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water from the sink. An uneasy silence filled the room. She took a sip of water then set the glass on the counter. "So what's for breakfast?"

  He opened the refrigerator door. "Bacon, eggs, biscuits, orange juice?"

  "What about grits?"

  "The box is in the cabinet."

  Ric set the table while Anna May prepared breakfast on the gas stove. She was as familiar with his kitchen as she was her own, but even in the familiar setting, she felt uneasy. She wanted to break the tension between them but didn't know how. Several times she started to speak to him, but she couldn't think of anything to say. She set platters of food on the table then sat down to eat.

  They ate in silence. Halfway through the meal, she put down her fork.

  "Ric," she said hesitantly. "About what happened on the sofa ..."

  He put down his fork and leaned back in his chair. "Anna May, I'm sorry about that ..."

  "No. Let me finish, or I'll never have the courage to do this again," she said. She met his eyes for a brief second before looking down at her plate. "On the sofa you were—what I'm trying to say is you were physically attracted to me, weren't you?"

  "Yes, but—" he said reluctantly.

  She interrupted. "And now you're wondering how I'm going to react. In all the years we've known each other, this has never happened before." She looked at him. "You're still my very best friend, and I don't want anything to change that," she said in a rush.

  "I don't want anything to change our friendship either." Reaching across the table, he took her hand and smiled at her. Long masculine dimples appeared in his cheeks.

  Anna May squeezed his hand and placed her other hand on top of his. "Good." She took a deep breath and gathered her courage. "You know I'd never ask you for something unless I really, really needed it. I mean unless it's a birthday present or something I don't usually ask for anything. We've been friends for a long time, and I care about you," she said hurriedly, ending on a breathless note.

  He stared at her with a puzzled look on his face. "Are you nervous? You're talking a mile a minute." He squeezed her hand as if to reassure her. "Anything I have is yours for the asking, Anna May. Anything. What do you need? I'll get it for you."

  She closed her eyes and fought the fear which had her heart beating wildly. "Ric, will you marry me and be the father of my child?"

  She watched as shock, disbelief, then rage appeared on his face.

  Ric slowly stood with his jaw clenched and asked in a soft, almost deadly, voice, "Who's the bastard that got you pregnant?"

  Shaking her head, she replied, "No. No. I'm not pregnant. I want you to get me pregnant."

  His brown eyes widened, and his jaw grew slack with shock. The expression on his face would have been comical under different circumstances. For the first time in years, she'd truly shocked him.

  Anna May held her breath as she waited for his reply. A heartbeat later, he dropped her hand as if it were a live grenade and stepped away from the table, knocking over his chair. "What?" His shock was apparent in the quiet tone of his voice.

  "Wait," she said lifting her hand to stop his movement. "This isn't coming out right. Let me start from the beginning."

  He reached down to pick up his chair then walked around the table and set it down in front of hers. "All right, start at the beginning," he said as he sat down in the chair with his chest leaning forward and his forearms on his thighs.

  He was so close that if she reached out, she could smooth the line between his brows. Another time, another place she would have done exactly that, but fear and nerves made her keep her hands in her lap. Her voice shook as she began to speak.

  "Remember two years ago when you came to v
isit me in the hospital," she continued when he nodded yes. "They removed fibroid tumors from my uterus hoping that they wouldn't return. Two months ago my doctor discovered that tumors were growing again. She suggested I have a child now if I wanted to have one at all. I've thought about it." She paused then added firmly, "I want to have a child."

  He ran his hands over his hair. "Have you had a second opinion? Your doctor could be wrong. Have you seen a specialist? Infertile couples are having children all the time. We'll find the best in the business."

  Anna May smiled a sad smile. It was so like him to try to fix things for her. "I've had a second and third opinion. They all say the same thing. Now is the time to have a child. I can't wait any longer."

  "Damn, Anna May," he said as he leaned back in his chair. "There've got to be other options."

  "There aren't any other options," she replied. "Well, options that I would be able to live with. I'm not involved with anyone, so marriage to someone else is out of the question." She paused then looked down at her tightly clenched hands. "A few of the doctors recommended a sperm bank."

  "No! Hell, no." His response was quick and his tone was filled with anger.

  She flinched at his tone and met his angry gaze. "I told them I couldn't do that—it seemed so inhuman. Besides, I want my child to know its father not just a list of features I chose from a sperm bank."

  He shook his head from side to side. "What kind of quack would even suggest it? If they'd spent any time with you at all, they'd know a sperm bank wasn't an option."

  "They're the best doctors in their field," she said quietly.

  "And they're telling you that your only hope is to have a child now?"

  "Yes."

  Silence filled the room. Her heart was beating so fast and hard, she was sure he could hear it.

  Slowly he shook his head. "I don't know—"

  She interrupted him—afraid, so very afraid, he was about to say no. "I've never asked you for anything before, Ric—but I'm asking you to think about this. Don't give me an answer now," she said when he moved to speak again. "Take a week. Five days to think about it. Please, Ric."

  Ric stared at her intently as if memorizing every curve of her face. A deep frown settled on his face, his dark brows drawn together. A tense silence stretched between them. Anna May felt as if a tight band were clamped around her chest, constricting each beat of her heart. He's going to tell me no, she thought. She would lose her only chance to have a child with the man she loved. She wondered if she would also lose her best friend. When she thought she couldn't take the silence any longer, Ric spoke. "All right, I'll think about it."

  "Thank you, Ric. This means the world to me."

  One comer of his lips lifted in a weak attempt at a smile before he broke eye contact. He bent his head, picked up his fork, and began to eat.

  Anna May also picked up her fork and began to move the food around on her plate. Her shoulders relaxed with relief. He hadn't turned her down ... yet. No answer was better than a flat no.

  An uneasy stillness fell between them. Anna May peered at him from beneath her lashes. The frown appeared to deepen as he continued to eat his food. She doubted that he was aware of what he was eating. He was examining every thread of information that she'd given him, searching for a solution that would make them both happy. She'd seen that same expression on his face when he read business reports looking for ways to either save or liquidate a company.

  "Ricky?" It had been years since she'd called him that childhood name. His golden brown gaze met hers. "Are we still friends?"

  The frown disappeared as he smiled a sad smile at her. "We'll always be friends, Anna May." His voice resounded with conviction, but his eyes were clouded with doubt. Smiling at him in return, she was sure the heaviness that settled in her chest was the pieces of her broken heart.

  They sat at the table for another few minutes, each trying to continue the pretense of finishing breakfast. At the sound of Ric's chair sliding across the floor, she stopped playing with her food.

  "I've got some reports that I should be reading." He walked to the sink, rinsing off his plate before placing it in the dishwasher. "I'll be in the den if you need anything." He hesitated as if he wanted to say something more—instead he walked out of the room, leaving her alone save for her own thoughts and fears.

  The day passed slowly. With the electricity still out, the den was the warmest room in the house. As much as she tried, Anna May couldn't ignore the strain between them. She looked at him from her position on the couch in the den. The magazine that she'd tried to read lay unattended in her lap. Reading was a pitifully weak attempt on her part to curtail her awareness of him. An awareness that would not be denied. On three separate occasions, she found herself watching him read the stack of reports instead of reading the magazine.

  He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the soft leather headrest of the easy chair. In the past she would have offered to massage his shoulders to ease the tension in his neck and shoulders. Now she was afraid that he would reject her offer, or if he did accept he would accept out of pity, not friendship. She wasn't going to sit quietly on the couch. They'd been friends for years—surely they could have a civilized conversation.

  "Tired?" she asked hoping her voice didn't reveal the longing in her heart.

  "Just my eyes. I guess the fire doesn't give off enough light to read," he said rubbing his hand across his face. His eyes weren't the only part of him that was tired, but he couldn't tell her that his whole body ached. Each time that she moved on the couch, his body tensed with anticipation.

  Anna May moved with a grace and sensuality of which she was totally unaware. That made him want her all the more. She'd offered him a way to fulfill his desire.

  Marriage and a child.

  His child.

  Of all the men in the world, she wanted him to be the father of her child. It didn't seem fair for her to be in this situation. She was the most caring, giving person he'd ever known. If anyone was more suited to be a mother, it was Anna May. Her home should be filled with children, her children. Children created with a man who loved her. A man who could give her everything she deserved. A man like ...

  He considered the men in her life and systematically dismissed each and every one of them. None of those men would treat her better than he would. None of them would care for her like he could. While he couldn't give her the kind of love she wanted, he could care for her and cherish her better than any man she'd ever dated.

  What the hell am I thinking?

  Anna May was his best friend. She wanted a child and marriage, the things he'd avoided like the plague.

  The faint glow from the fire illuminated her honey brown cheek. Her short, dark brown hair formed a smooth, layered cap around her head. Faint traces of red on her lips were all that was left of the lipstick she'd applied earlier. A thick cream-colored sweater clung to her breasts, and soft brown wool pants, the exact shade of her eyes, hugged her hips. She looked so pretty sitting on the couch. He still couldn't believe that she'd asked him to marry her. "Why did she pick me to ask to marry?" He didn't realize that he'd spoken aloud until she answered.

  "You have all the qualities that I want for the father of my child. You're intelligent, kind, and a wonderful person."

  A wonderful person. She of all people should know that he wasn't a wonderful person. Hell, sometimes he wasn't even a likable person.

  She continued, "You've known me long enough to know that I wouldn't have a child out of wedlock. It goes against everything my parents taught me about God and family. I know that women have children outside of marriage all the time, but I know it's not the right choice for me. We've been friends for a long time. It wouldn't be hard for us to take the next step and become a family."

  He felt as if she'd thrown cold water on him.

  A family.

  He never wanted to be a part of a family again. He wouldn't let himself be hurt that way again.

  "We'll nev
er be family, Anna May. Never."

  Chapter 3

  "Well"—Anna May looked at the ceiling of the den—"I messed that up." The hiss and crackle of the fire broke the silence in the room. Ric had stormed out of the room a few seconds earlier. How could I have been so careless? she wondered. She'd used the "f" word. Family. For as long as she could remember, Ric had had an aversion to anything related to family. Even now, she saw more of his aunt and uncle than he did.

  After all these years she still couldn't understand why he felt that way. The members of her family were the most important people in her life. She couldn't imagine not being close to her family. Ric, on the other hand, kept his distance from his relatives. It was as if he wanted to forget his family ever existed.

  Anna May folded her legs beneath her and leaned back against the sofa, staring at the cheerful blaze. She'd made a mistake mentioning family. If she wanted him to be the father of her child, she would have to do damage control. First, she would have to make him forget she'd used the word family. Second, she'd have to make him think that getting her pregnant wasn't a bad idea. Neither of the two was going to be easy, but she had to give it a try.

  Dinner that evening consisted of soup and sandwiches. Anna May sat on the floor in front of the fireplace, secretly watching Ric eat his dinner. Ric couldn't have chosen a more remote spot without leaving the room, which she was sure he would have done if the power was on and the other rooms weren't ice cold.

  If he thinks he can hide over on the other side of the room, he's got another thing coming. She waited until he had taken a sip of his soup before she asked, "Do you think I'm attractive?"